Lowcountry Survivor's Weblog

Archive for the ‘Clergy/Spiritual Abuse’ Category

Special Note: My memories of this abuse were triggered by seeing a Myna bird in a pet store, and having one of the most severe panic attacks I have ever experienced. Later, I was triggered when I stood up and set boundaries with someone who reminded me of this priest. When I realized that, I decided to do something more direct for the “kid” in me, and wrote this piece. I am still reverberating inside from writing this.

The Priest

You do evil things.
I can tell by the way I shiver, and my teeth chatter.
You are cold.
Your actions come from a place with no warmth, a place of ice, not flames.
Hell is a cold place, not a place of flames.
I was taught that you were between God and me.
I could only get to God through you. You were the intermediary.
That’s not true.
But they were right about the first part – you were between God and me.
An obstacle, a chasm, created out of your own selfishness, and condoned by others who cannot or will not know the Truth!
You are the ultimate betrayer!
Inside a religion that made me feel defective, confused, and shameful,
You used the injuries it created, to create more for your own satisfaction!
You are a carnivore that plays with his victims before devouring them!
You are a keeper of secrets!
Secrets are your food.
In the confessional, people confide them to you.
You pretend to be God, and to dispense forgiveness!
Outside the confessional, you pretend to be God, taking what you want, creating more secrets.
How powerful you must be to live in such a shroud of secrecy!
Secrets are your food!
You are so cold, so frozen!
Above it all.
Aloof.
You did not care that what you did, and what you told me would create such a painful wound in me!
You did not care that what you did and what you told me would cause me lifelong problems!
You did not care that what you did and what you told me would cause me to live in despair for most of my life!

There is no justice, and you may not hear this, but I am going to tell you anyhow!
I will make my own justice!
Your power was in your shroud of secrecy, and in your title.
I am taking that away from you!
Your name is Henry S McNulty!
I leave the Reverend off, because you have desecrated that title!
I strip you of that!
You do not deserve it!

You molested me when I was an altar boy, and scared me so bad that I have trouble remembering all the ways you hurt me.
But unlike you, I feel all that is in me, including what you put there!
I will tell people your name, and the more I remember, the more I will tell them!

You had a Myna bird that you kept as a pet.
You taught it to talk, to say your name, and Jesus’ name.
It was as black and cold as you were.
You almost got away with what you did to me.
Your actions almost remained a secret in me.
But I am taking this opportunity to tell you that I remember, because of that bird of yours.
You know that expression “a little bird told me”?
Well in this case, your own bird did.
1998 Ken S.

You live in my throat, my chest, my belly.
Where you are, there is a lack, a pressure, a tightness, a blockage.
Where you are, there is fear, shame, sadness, confusion, not knowing, not remembering.
Who are you, and what did you take from me?

You wake in dreams, and keep part of me asleep in Life.
Who are you and what did you take from me?
You block my love, my courage, my knowing, my serenity.
Who are you and what did you take from me?

You are an eater, a bury-er, a banisher, a ruin-er, a stain-er, of little boys.
You ate my innocence, buried my memories of what you did, stained my sense of purity, wholeness, and wholesomeness, and went on to savage other little boys.
Who are you, and what did you take from me?

You are the evil one, in a thousand guises.
Visiting young boys when they are most innocent.
Visiting young boys when they are most loving.
Visiting young boys when they still own their feelings.
Visiting young boys when they still own their lives.
Visiting young boys when they still own their bodies.
Visiting young boys when they still own their souls.
Visiting young boys when they still own their history.
Visiting young boys when they still own their future.

You tried to take from me all that was given me.
You tried to take from me what was my right to have.
But you never took ME!

1997 KS.

To be used by a spiritual leader for his or her own selfish gratification is the greatest betrayal. There is no one higher in “authority” (power) other than God. In the religion I was raised with, I was taught that the priest was between God and me. I had to go through him to get to God. When the priest hurt me, he hurt my ability to connect with everything that is most important inside myself. He hurt me in ways I am still finding out about. He hurt me in ways I am not willing to publicly share yet. I will tell you that the hurt from what he did, is extraordinarily painful. I have circled this issue for a long time. I am well into my recovery. Still, when the feelings and memories came back, I wasn’t sure I could handle it. My “kid” would disassociate so much that I would almost faint, if I didn’t back off some. I had to approach this over and over, until my “kid” trusted me enough, and until I (the adult) felt capable and willing. And it has taken much of God’s Grace. I definitely am not an expert on this. I have approached this issue in my recovery the same as with all the others:

* Be absolutely honest with myself.
* Feel all my feelings, and pay attention to everything that goes on inside myself.
* Trust the child inside myself, he is Real!
* Trust my intuition, I have it for a reason!
* Take good care of myself, be the good parent I never had!
* Get lots of Safe support! The more eye to eye contact, the less shame I will have to carry!
* Wait and see what happens (watch and see if God, or Life is helping out), slowly we learn to trust what we never could trust before!

Finally, if you or a loved one is a victim of clergy abuse, I want to tell you, that I am so sorry that it happened to you! It never should have happened! You didn’t deserve it! You were in no way responsible for it! I do know, however, that each of us has been made in such a way that we have what we need to heal, right within us. It takes time, and it is painful.